With a growing proportion of Canadians becoming overweight or obese, it may seem silly to write an article on how to get fat. Seemingly, we have already mastered the art of acquiring rounder bellies. I write this article, with my tongue firmly pressed in my cheek, to show you how to gain five, ten, or fifty pounds. If you want to join the rising number of overweight Canadians follow these three easy steps.
STEP ONE: DON’T MOVE
To gain weight, it is important to move as little as possible. Moving your body burns calories and speeds up your metabolism, causing your to maintain or lose body fat. For best results, choose a job that requires you to sit at least six to eight hours a day. Don’t go for a quick walk and try not to get up out of your desk unless absolutely necessary. Try sending an e-mail or making a phone call to talk to a co-worker. When getting groceries, park as close to the store as possible, even if it means circling the parking lot a few times or waiting a few extra minutes for someone to load the groceries into their car. Use the drive-through whenever possible, even if it means letting your car idle for ten minutes while waiting for your morning coffee (and doughnut). Instead of taking Fido for a walk, just let him out in the backyard, or throw a ball a few times. Sit whenever possible, stand if you need to, walk only when necessary and never, ever, ever go to the gym.
STEP TWO: DRINK YOUR CALORIES
Eating can make you feel full, but drinking caloric beverages are a great way to soften your tummy without even knowing it. In fact, you can drink approximately 800 calories worth of liquid before your body even registers that you consumed any calories! Take advantage of the drinks everyday to gain an easy one pound of fat every four days. Start your day off by sipping the 230 calories and 12 grams of fat in a large Double Double from Tim Hortons. For even faster results, opt for a decedent specialty coffee, such as an Espresso Truffle from Starbucks at 460 calories. Avoid the drinks made with skimmed milk. If you need to make your morning coffee at home or work, flavoured syrups such as Nestle’s Coffee-Mate Caramel Vanilla Syrup are a good source of extra calories, and saturated fat. Instead or drinking a glass of lemon water when you feel thirsty, crack open a nice cold pop or have a glass of juice. Both have roughly 21 grams of sugar per cup, though juice is slightly higher in calories. In the evening, enjoy your meal with a few glasses of wine. After all, if one glass of wine per day has shown to be beneficial, wouldn’t three or four be even better? Beer is also a good option to increase your caloric intake, but fruity drinks such as Margaritas and Pina Coladas are best for packing on the pounds.
STEP THREE: EAT OUT
Eating at home requires you to go grocery shopping and to prepare your meal; both are activities which can burn a few extra calories. Also, if you cook your own food, you may be tempted to cut down on calories and fat, such as steaming your veggies instead of cooking them in butter, or cutting down the amount of cream added to your sauces. You may also be tempted to choose lighter entrees such as whole wheat pasta with tomato sauce instead of fettuccini Alfredo. Fortunately, when you eat out, you can as much as triple you caloric intake without even knowing it. Don’t just limit yourself to fast food restaurants; other restaurants can be ever better at helping you gain weight. For example, a Big Mac packs 540 calories while a burger from Milestones puts 640 calories into your stomach. Of course, no burger is complete without a side of fries: a wonderful source of calories, sodium and saturated fat (why just get fat when you can increase your blood pressure as well?). For an even greater calorie feast, opt for pasta entrees which can offer up to 1500 calories per serving- that’s almost a day’s worth of calories not including the bread and butter! But don’t stop there: save room for dessert and choose wisely. Polishing off a slice of cheesecake, such as the Macaroni Grill’s 1660 calorie New York Cheesecake or a dish of Crème Brule is a surefire way to a larger dress size.
Chances are you are not interested in following the three steps to gain weight. If you are already carrying too much weight for your liking, now is the time to change. Move your body more. Walk whenever possible, take the stairs when you can, and begin incorporating planned exercise sessions into your week. Be mindful of the calories going into your body. Swap juice and pop for calorie-free beverages such as water, coffee (sans cream and sugar), and herbal tea. Take the time to prepare nutritious meals from home. Include colourful vegetables, whole grains and lean sources of protein.